While incarcerated I realized that it didn't matter if I ever actually prayed. Just as I put my foot in my mouth I began to understand that we couldn't have stayed. When I tried to find the right person I found out that they didn't exist. Someone told me that if I committed suicide I probably wouldn't be missed. I was perplexed because it wasn't all that she said it would be between the sheets. With her I am constantly oppressed to not have a home while staying alive in these streets. It's still hard to swallow that there's no justice for us righteous of men. It's sad that I am living proof that evil is what wins in the end.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Don't change the subject each time you ask me a question. I'll be Goddamned if anyone thinks I'm paying for some bitch's psych session. They've all fallen and become a victim since I last decided to come around. I was told that when a syringe with witch's brew was handed out they were all spellbound. There wasn't a chance that I would get to go down on her even though I tried. I chose not to advance yet still, when I have talked about it for some reason I lied. It's all come full circle now and no one really knows how it will play out. My damnation is certain and hell is my final destination beyond any doubt.
Why can't you realize that I know you are there and you can't read my gift? When did I do something to deserve this evil that you put in me and keep on torturing me with? When everyone involved becomes lab rats too I wonder what you'll do and how you'll feel. Thanks to too many drugs I made my mind unbreakable and solid as steel. I lived through your brainwashing and your attempt to reprogram my system of belief. Now it's only when I'm high as fuck or busting a nut that I feel a glimpse of relief. The constant puppetry of everything around would drive most humans insane. I have only endured it much better than others because my life's been nothing but pain.
As soon as I arrived I knew that I had fucked up again. I'm not sure that I'll ever be shown mercy or allowed to win. Not only am I a loser but it seems my faith is no more. I'm lost in a sea of doubt and I'm still unwanted as a whore. My trials and tribulations have left me defeated and in disarray. I'm the outcast, the freak on exhibit to everyone's disregard and dismay I thought I was special and there was more to my life than this. Now I am resolute in being a mistake that no one will ever miss. I'm bound to stay in this life while I'm on earth so that I can endure torture and not be free. I only find comfort in the the fact that God's vengeance will one day torture those that tortured me.
Straightening out the psychiatric chaos left me devastated. Believing in goodness prevailing was a mistake and it left me irritated. I thought there was a point to me showing up but it seems I was mistaken. I wonder why your public displays are always to make me look taken. Abrasive gestures were made by the ones who showed up to take it all away. This reminiscing has brought up a conversation with nothing left to say. You only want to make love to me every time you are totally spun. All the things you do to hold us together are causing us to come undone.
How bittersweet it was losing you as a friend. How bittersweet it was that our love had to end. Our addictions were horrible but something we had to go through. For our transgressions we prayed for forgiveness, it's what we had to do. I can't believe you called me family but used me like a slave. After a long time coming it was you that couldn't seem to try and behave. We have already pieced us back together, over and over we tried. It's too difficult to face that everything between us has finally died. To save my sanity, I know what it is I have to do. I'm facing my fears and finally saying goodbye to you.
A dead nightmare arose from the grave your evil heart buried me in. The loaded chamber held the round that gave you assurance that you'd win. Looking past the smoky mirror I tried to see what you were underneath. Terrified with the knowing of how empty you are while holding no belief. I have felt enough pain to never believe I am wanted or desired. I can't pick myself up off the floor or do anything cause I'm tired.
It made me insecure and jealous when she looked into my eyes. Her desire for my attention is what caught me by surprise. I've never been treated special or wanted by anyone. Every relationship I've known I have watched come undone. I'm trying to find peace so that I can bury the violence I am capable of. I keep searching for someone to choose me for that special gift of love. My Angel and I are keeping the faith that we'll find a home some day. A someone to love us because home is where your heart is they say.
They told me that I was emotionally malnourished when I was young. I now find myself digging to find a song not sung. Made to shut-up and obey when it was time for count. I keep having thoughts of you naked that I want to mount. I hit the main line running so I wouldn't be doing hard time. I jumped into the vampires den without any reason or rhyme. It was naive of me to think I'd be worthy of having a friend. A righteous effort that fell apart leaving me lonely until the end.
You never feel complete when you factor in your actual loss. I tried to mettle with it causing me to break even on the cost. Someone tried to give me a bit of truth within a tale I couldn't follow. Your excuses were quite good but still something I couldn't swallow. A lie in real time brought back nothing but misery. That move against it completed my heart broken memory. I was left alone again to be devoured by the high volume of silence. A dreadful journey down a trail that lead to my rebellion and defiance. I just hope that in the end the truth shall become what's known. I keep needing to change something or I'll always be cold and alone.
I'm standing at a profound moment of change that speaks of betrayal and sadness. I've pushed it to my breaking point while becoming immersed in total madness. I drew upon the hope that people could be righteous and kind. Watching that demonic face fuels the anger that's causing me to lose my mind. How you could love me was such a cruel joke to play since you knew it wasn't true. Still, I gave you my trust and you kept on beating it until it was black and blue. My nerves are no longer able to register on the touch test. Reaching for a niche that sells so I can actually do my best. Finality won't ever bring a true resolution but at least it will be done. I keep on passing that point of no return and it's evident that evil has won.